I've Changed My Mind

I used to think that South African bureaucracy was maddening. I take it all back. I have come to the conclusion that American bureaucracy - the DMV in particular - is enough to drive a person to eat a tub of ice cream in one sitting while watching M*A*S*H reruns.

I am trying to replace my California driver's license after it was stolen. First I went on the website. The website says you have to renew it in person. But what if you're living overseas? I tried to phone them, but it turns out that Monday was a holiday (eek - I'm forgetting American holidays).

I tried to phone the DMV yesterday but I got the "All operators are busy; please call again" recording. So I phoned again. And again. In fact, I set Skype to phone every 2 minutes, and it still took me over an HOUR to get a real live..... recording.

I had to go through this whole voice prompt menu: "For license plates, say 'Vehicle Registration and Licensing Information Services.' For driver's licenses, say "Replace Lost or Stolen Pre-Existing Valid California Driver's License or Identification Card."

Honestly, the voice prompt was so long that I froze and said something like, "I'd like a small cheeseburger and a diet coke, please. Oh, and make that to go." This, of course, led to a very pleasant recording of "I'm sorry; I didn't understand you. Please hang up and try again."

When I got through four or five levels of voice prompts (Do you get bonus points after the fourth level? Or at least an extra life?) I finally reached the "My license was stolen and I'm currently residing out of the country" category. Which led me to another recording that basically said, "You have just wasted ninety minutes. Please hang up and dial the following number..."

So I dialed that number (and I will spare you the painful details) but when I finally got to a real person, she just said, "I can't renew your license. You have to renew it in person. Didn't you check the website before phoning?"

I begged. I pleaded. I tried reasoning ("Why do you have a 'My license was stolen and I'm residing outside the country' category if you aren't going to do anything about it?"). The best I could do was get her to issue me a temporary license, which won't have my picture on it, but will be good for four years.

I don't understand why, if they can send me a temporary license that's good for FOUR years, they can't just mail me a replacement license? And why can't they put the photo on it?

Time for some M*A*S*H reruns....