I've been having a crisis of faith lately. In all my years of being a follower of Jesus, I've never doubted His sovereignty or His goodness. Lately, though, after a terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad-year, I've had trouble trusting that God will provide, that He is good, that He actually cares. The academic side of me still believes, still follows, still clings to the truth of God's Word. The emotional side of me is weary, tired, discouraged, and wanting to cry.
I read a bit of Frederick Buechner today, and something he said spoke to a deep crack in my soul:
"According to Jesus, by far the most important thing about praying is to keep at it...Be importunate, Jesus says - not, one assumes, because you have to beat a path to God's door before He'll open it, but because until you beat the path maybe there's no way of getting to your door...
Believe Somebody is listening. Believe in miracles. That's what Jesus told the father who asked Him to heal his epilectic son.... [But] what about when the boy is not healed? When, listened to or not listened to, the prayer goes unanswered?... Just keep praying, Jesus says... Even if the boy dies, keep on beating the path to God's door, because the one thing you can be sure of is that down the path you beat with even your most half-cocked and halting prayer the God you call upon will finally come, and even if He does not bring you the answer you want, He will bring you Himself. And maybe at the secret heart of all our prayers that is what we are really praying for." - Frederick Buechner, Wishful Thinking
And I realised, I do want God. If nothing else - if no answers or easy paths are to be had - I want God's presence. "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief." - Mark 9:24
1 comment:
Your terrible, no-good, very bad year sounds a lot like the Apostle Paul's terrible, no-good, very bad years to me. Buechner's insight is terrific!
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