Yesterday when I came home from lunch my front door was wide open and the screws removed from the door handle. I drove back up to the security gate to have a guard come check the house and make sure no one was inside. The house was clear and nothing had been taken, but I was a bit nervous last night, as Dan is still in California and I'm here alone with the kids.
Once the kids were in bed, I had a battle with fear. Not panic, just uneasiness. I emailed Dan and a few others to ask for their prayers and then prayed myself. As I was praying, I heard the Lord say to me, "Do you love your safety more than you love Me?" I floundered a bit. "You know, Lord, it's good to be wise, to not be foolish, and as long as I'm alive I can do more work for You", etc. etc. The question was repeated: "Do you love your safety more than you love Me? Is safety your idol?" No more excuses. I stopped and thought for a long time. "No, Lord, I love You more, though.... I am struggling tonight." Then another question: "Do you trust Me enough to sleep in peace tonight?" More thought. Then tears. Then a confession of my lack of trust. "Yes, Lord, I do trust You. Forgive me for loving my life more than I love You, the LORD of my life. Forgive me for not keeping my focus on You. My life is Yours, to do with as you see fit."
Someone once said that the problem with being a living sacrifice is that you can crawl off the altar. So last night I crawled back up and once again gave God control. I slept like a rock last night, and not even the hadida ibis birds who wake me up every morning before the sun rises could shake me. By the grace of God, I have all that I need, at all times, in all situations. (2 Cor. 9:8) And this morning my heart is filled with joy.
8 comments:
Annie, I don't very often comment, but I always read your blog. Very well done, and good insight, and just plain enjoyable.
Glad you could sleep last night.
Brekke/Sue Plett
Hey Sue! I am honoured that you read my blog. I miss you and the others at Utmost. Just doing other things at the moment... but I think about you all the time! Blessings to you from South Africa!!! -Annie
An altar before the Living GOD is the safest place I can think of to sleep.
We pray for your safety,
Dianne
i've been reading your blog for weeks now. we have lots of friends in mamelodi.
we're raised believing the enemy of love is hate. that's a lie. love's enemy is fear. I John 4:18-19 tells us this.
we love b/c He first loved us. so how do we overcome fear? just keep on receiving your Daddy's Perfect Love.
also, you mentioned in your conversation with God that you bargained "but if i live, i can do more work for you." i just wanted to share with you this - how would you feel if one of your kids said, "mom, please let me live longer so i can keep doing the dishes?" you delight in your children not b/c of what "they're good for" but b/c you just love 'em. right?
annie, God doesn't want you around b/c you're a good work horse. He just loves you.
"He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me." Psalm 18:19
The Lord delights in you. thank you for your vulnerability in your blog. you are a blessing.
oh i forgot to say:
i hope my comment feels like encouragement to you. that was my goal anyway... if not, you can always just delete me:)
Hey, guess what? I've done this too! Only the end of my evening was not as good a lesson for me as yours was for you.
I remember the same fear, the same questions to God, and the same tears. Fortunately I also remember the peace you wrote about. It's good to be reminded about such a moment. (In fact, I've had many such moments.)
Funny how I can't seem to remember these lessons in time to keep my mouth shut.
I like the quote you wrote "a living sacrifice can crawl off the alter". And I've never considered safety as an idol. Thanks for the insight.
-adina
Thanks, Kel. Good point about the children and a "works-based" relationship. I can go into "Martha mode" sometimes, and it's a good reminder to be a "Mary". Thanks! I know Mamelodi well. We work in Soshanguve, on the other side of Pretoria. Thanks for the encouragement, Annie
Yikes... It's powerful how God teaches us even through the scary/uneasy moments of life. I might have panicked!
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