Sunday, January 29, 2012

Day 4 - Speechless

I don't know how to begin this post so I'm just going to dive in and hope it forms a coherency by the end.

I may struggle.  I may have issues.  I may even have glaring faults, but when I worship on Sundays I leave all that behind for several reasons:
  1. I don't ever want worship to be a performance.  I want to be a facilitator - someone who points people to the most amazing God.  To that end,
  2. Worship must come from a sincere heart.  I must come as I am and give all that I am.  There is no measuring up or not measuring up at this point. There is only vulnerability between me and my Maker.
  3. Worship is between God and me and yet there is an honouring of the congregation as well.  I honour them in their "holy otherness" when I have the courage to be vulnerable in front of them, to share from my deepest heart and hold nothing back. That is the only way I know how to point them to Jesus.
Dan took some photos this morning.  I didn't even notice him.  This afternoon as I was downloading today's pictures, I saw them.  And... I'm shocked.
 I never knew I looked like that when I worship.  When I look at myself or think about myself, I think "fat", "ugly", and "doesn't measure up."  I hold myself to a standard that is unattainable and one that I would never impose upon anyone else.  It's my life's battle, and I hate admitting it to you.  But this...

When I look at these photos of myself (which feels embarrassing and narcissistic and is why I didn't want to do the assignment this week), I see... beauty.  I see a heart that longs to know God in spite of its failures and weaknesses. And I'm speechless.  I never saw myself from the "outside" as I have in these photos.
Is this the way God sees me?  Is this what I look like to everyone else? And most importantly - the next time I think untruths about myself, will I be reminded of this?  I can no longer refuse to see myself as beautiful in God's eyes or to love myself as He loves me when I look at these photos.

As strange as this may sound, that scares me.  Believing a lie can be such an ingrained pattern that it's comfortable. It's what I know.  Accepting the truth is scary because it carries me into unknown paths and changes my whole paradigm.  It's good, yes.  Absolutely good.  Yet this is the scariest (and most incoherent!) post I've ever written.  Still, I'm determined to continue the journey. 

He decidido seguir a Jesús y no voy a dar marcha atrás.


François said...

Apparently owls are the only birds which can see the colour blue. I am curious what unheard of colours God can see and how that paints us?

Annie said...

That is a beautiful thought and now I am curious as well. :)

Elisabeth said...

Yes!!! This is only a fraction of how beautiful you are when He glances at you. And YES-these pictures are absolutely the Annie that flashes across my mind and heart every day. That is exactly what you look like to me. Actually, even more beautiful than that. Because I love your inside so much, too!

I'm so glad you wrote this post. I see an incredible healing taking place in the process of writing. And you're not alone in your struggle. Not at all. The more you write like this, the more I 1.)Understand you, and 2.)See how much we are incredibly alike, and 3.)Become even more awed at how different we view the same exact issue and how obvious it is that God put us together. It makes me bubble with Spirit Joy to realize He's doing so much on all levels with you and me and this struggle & whatever beautiful purpose He has for it. Maybe we can write a book about this together!!!:) Love you!